one acquire the perfect dose of dumb? Well, you could invent some sort of dumb-gathering device, but that would take a great deal of intelligence. Remember what Abraham Lincoln said when he discovered New Zealand,
"You can fool some of the people some of
the time or you could invent some sort of dumb-gathering device, but that would take a great deal of intelligence." So I've developed fifteen simple steps that will help you to begin connecting
with the power of dumb utilizing as
little brainpower as possible.
Step 1: Find a rock about the size of a cantaloupe, hold
it in your hand and stare at it for about two
to three hours. When you begin to feel drool running down your chin, drop the rock and run headfirst into a telephone pole.
Step 2: Fill your mouth with paper clips and staple your
left ear to a tree.
Step 3: Toss cubes of margarine into the air and as you
try to catch them, yell out, "Come to papa,
my little butter birds!"
Step 4: Glue large quantities of garbage to yourself and
tell people you are the all-powerful litter magnet.
Step 5: Sit quietly in a darkened room and repeat the word
"mukluk" 3,000 times. Then staple your
left ear to a tree.
Step 6: Propose marriage to a piece of fruit and invite
all the food in your house to the wedding ceremony.
Step 7: Take a trip to the local zoo and throw your feces
at the monkeys.
Step 8: Dial 911 and tell the operator you would like dinner
B for two with hot and sour soup.
Step 9: Tie a pinata to your chest, nail your feet to the
floor and invite children to beat the candy out of you.
Step 10: Legally change your name to Calamine B. Delicious.
Step 11: Cover your bed with clams and sternly tell the mound
of shellfish to "put out or get out!"
Step 12: Cover your entire body with sour pancake batter
and go door-to-door, asking people if they
smell something funny.
Step 13: See step 12
Step 14: Demand days off from work in order to celebrate
make-believe holidays like National Hairball
Day and Spanksgiving.
Step 15: Staple your right ear to a tree.
I wish I
could say that I managed to harness the power of dumb through years of intense training and uncompromising self-discipline. I wish that I could honestly tell you that it has
taken unbelievable dedication and focus
to achieve the level of dumb that I have. I wish that I could look each and every one of you in the eyes and without fear of spitting on your clothes, tell you that the dumbhead you are now listening to, became
the dumbhead you are now listening to by devoting
every waking hour to study and practice in order to reach the summit of Mount Stupid, where I now sit cross-legged like some all-knowing dummy lama, waxing philosophical on subjects too mundane to repeat and too unimportant
to remember. I wish that I could tell you all of this, but if I did, I would be a clever liar and, while cleanliness may be next to godliness, cleverness is at least 2000 miles away from dumbness. Benjamin Franklin once wished that he had said "A beached whale sees only the sand." But
ol' Ben didn't say that and neither did you, so back off!