Mark G. Spot Home | Contact | Links


The Power Of Dumb - Connecting With Your Inner Stupidity

Chapter 3 - Fifteen Steps To Dumbness

    How does one acquire the perfect dose of dumb? Well, you could invent some sort of dumb-gathering device, but that would take a great deal of intelligence. Remember what Abraham Lincoln said when he discovered New Zealand, "You can fool some of the people some of the time or you could invent some sort of dumb-gathering device, but that would take a great deal of intelligence." So I've developed fifteen simple steps that will help you to begin connecting with the power of dumb utilizing as little brainpower as possible.

Step 1: Find a rock about the size of a cantaloupe, hold it in your hand and stare at it for about two to three hours. When you begin to feel drool running down your chin, drop the rock and run headfirst into a telephone pole.
Step 2: Fill your mouth with paper clips and staple your left ear to a tree.
Step 3: Toss cubes of margarine into the air and as you try to catch them, yell out, "Come to papa, my little butter birds!"
Step 4: Glue large quantities of garbage to yourself and tell people you  are the all-powerful litter magnet.
Step 5: Sit quietly in a darkened room and repeat the word "mukluk" 3,000 times. Then staple your left ear to a tree.
Step 6: Propose marriage to a piece of fruit and invite all the food in your house to the wedding ceremony.
Step 7: Take a trip to the local zoo and throw your feces at the monkeys.
Step 8: Dial 911 and tell the operator you would like dinner B for two with hot and sour soup.
Step 9: Tie a pinata to your chest, nail your feet to the floor and invite children to beat the candy out of you.
Step 10: Legally change your name to Calamine B. Delicious.
Step 11: Cover your bed with clams and sternly tell the mound of shellfish to "put out or get out!"
Step 12: Cover your entire body with sour pancake batter and go door-to-door, asking people if they smell something funny.
Step 13: See step 12
Step 14: Demand days off from work in order to celebrate make-believe holidays like National Hairball Day and Spanksgiving.
Step 15: Staple your right ear to a tree.  
    I wish I could say that I managed to harness the power of dumb through years of intense training and uncompromising self-discipline. I wish that I could honestly tell you that it has taken unbelievable dedication and focus to achieve the level of dumb that I have. I wish that I could look each and every one of you in the eyes and without fear of spitting on your clothes, tell you that the dumbhead you are now listening to, became the dumbhead you are now listening to by devoting every waking hour to study and practice in order to reach the summit of Mount Stupid, where I now sit cross-legged like some all-knowing dummy lama, waxing philosophical on subjects too mundane to repeat and too unimportant to remember. I wish that I could tell you all of this, but if I did, I would be a clever liar and, while cleanliness may be next to godliness, cleverness is at least 2000 miles away from dumbness. Benjamin Franklin once wished that he had said "A beached whale sees only the sand." But ol' Ben didn't say that and neither did you, so back off!