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The Power Of Dumb - Connecting With Your Inner Stupidity

Chapter 2 - The Science Of Stupidity

    The universe is vast. So vast that if you throw an armadillo high enough into the air, it will circle the milky way 26 times before it is finally hit by an alien spacecraft. 6 months later, because of the space/time continuum, your great, great grandchildren will be thrown in prison and your wife will have become your best friend's mother. Infinity is a concept that even the undumbest people have trouble getting their lips around. What is on the other side of forever? Some strange dimension where convenience stores close at 3 o'clock in the afternoon and clothing is fabricated from the pubic hair of baboons? Do the creatures native to this alternative reality eat, sleep and breathe as we do or do they float motionless in an ocean of cheap tequila. Are the inhabitants forced to spend their lives working or do they frolic day after day in fields of flowers that smell like old gym socks? I have no real answers to these stupid questions, but I do believe that both the inside and outside of infinity is constructed primarily of subatomic dumbness. A renowned scientist who turned out to be an ordinary dentist once stated that the universe is nothing more than a twinkle in the eye of a rooster named Bucky. Truly moronic words from the lips of a real dumbass. What I'm getting at is that we are surrounded by things that cannot be detected by our 5 limited senses. In other words, you can't smell stupidity anymore than you can touch a fart. What I'm trying to say is that you can't always access the power of dumb, sometimes it has to access you.
    But what can science tell us about the power of dumb. Actually there have been many scientific studies done and the results are nothing short of boring. In 1949, Dr. Emile Dunbar managed to isolate and split two dumb molecules in his bathroom/laboratory located in Ragville, Colorado. The resulting explosion spread dangerously high levels of dumbness over an area of 15 miles. Generally the power of dumb is a good thing, but the outcome of this accident was devastating. Birds attempted to mate with fish, domestic pets lit themselves on fire and the entire population of Ragville ran for office. Dr. Dunbar was last seen running up a hillside shouting "Free the towels!" at the top of his lungs.
    After the Ragville disaster, scientists more or less avoided dumbness until 1956, when Dr. Magdelana Weesa began experimenting with dumb power as an alternative fuel source. Her experiments were conducted in utmost secrecy and to this day not much is known about the results, but she apparently did manage to build some sort of dumbpowered car. Unfortunately dumbpower proved to be a highly unstable fuel and the entire car turned to ramen noodles when she tried to wash it.
    The most ambitious scientific study done on the power of dumb was conducted by Dr. Adolf Neglect in the winter of 1974. What follows are excerpts from his journal:
   January 23rd, 7:05 pm - This morning I added 10cc's of a concentrated dumb mixture to my Jack Lalane Lo-Calorie Protein shake. After finishing the drink, I felt an immediate numbness in my frontal lobe and an uncontrollable desire to twist again like we did last summer.
    January 30th, 8:26 pm - I spent most of the day trying to teach a female rat to play Yahtzee. Later, I took her out for pizza. I used to refer to her as lab mammal #6. I now call her Connie. I think she likes me.
    February 4th, 9:05 pm - Todays experiment was a resounding success. I managed to talk  my cousin Tony into letting me surgically  attach the udder of a cow to his lower back. Halfway through the procedure I forgot what the point of this experiment was, but Tony seems quite happy with his new physical acquisition and the fresh milk is a welcomed bonus.
    February 7th, 7:46 pm - My IQ seems to be getting lower day by day. I now wear a gorilla costume to bed and brush my teeth with a dead fish. Tonight I ate Connie for dinner. She didn't like me after all.
    February 12th, 8:00 pm - This morning Tony told me that he was concerned about my mental state. He begged me to try and create an antidote that would counteract the mixture I had ingested. I told him I would think about it...then I ate him.
    Febutober 67th, 9:98 pm - Have crossed over the edge. Have become one with dumb. Prepare the playground, my reptilian brothers. Me am coming home. Arf. Arf.
   So history has shown us that the power of dumb is a force not easily controlled a sterile, scientific environment. Dumbness by its very nature is unpredictable and attempts at regulating it can be both dangerous and stupid.